The Camdens GO TO HELL!!!!
by Joe Cloudheart
Summary: Basically they don't really go to hell...but their lives do! A HA HA HA!!! I think it works pretty well as a humor piece, too


The Camdens GO TO HELL!!!!! By Joe  
  
  
  
One day, Reverend Camden walked downstairs to find something odd sitting on his kitchen table. Why, it was a woman who was nearly naked, with flowing dark red hair covering her bikini!  
  
"What? Who are you?"  
  
"I've come from hell! Mary sent me!" the woman replied, enthusiastically. "I've been sent to drive your family into sin! Have fun..." she smiled and waved and with a deft move of her hand, she vanished.  
  
Reverend Camden went to several psychiatrists, who basically told him he was cracking up. They prescribed a couple of anti-depressants, as well as an anti-psychotic.  
  
He got home late. Facing the prospect of going stark raving insane was not the brightest thing that had happened to him that week. He drove into his posh, multi fucking million dollar home and stepped out onto the driveway. Standing there were the twins, (played by Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, in all of their eerie saccharine-ness) who had recently dated his son Simon. The two stared at him in their matching dresses eerily.  
  
"Reverend Camden" one began. "The fate of your family has been fortold."  
  
"Redrum!" screamed the other.  
  
"Your fate welcomes you...prepare for the worst. The blood will rise in rivers against the shores of your family's house," continued the first.  
  
"Dubya Bush" chanted the other, drawing a pentagram on the ground with chalk.  
  
"That's enough out of both of you. I don't think kidding around like that is at all proper!"  
  
"Is that what your psychiatrist friend said?" said the first twin. And then, they broke out of their trance and forgot why they had come to the Camden residence.  
  
Reverend Camden walked inside, sweating profusely. He walked into the den and his annoying, ever bitchy wife was there to moan and bitch about something, her hair swaying back and forth, back and forth.   
  
"God, why did I marry her" he asked God.  
  
Then, after she paused from her yapping, which he determined was about one of their children, he threw up on her shoes.  
  
"I got these on sale at a thrift mart!" she exclaimed. "Are you sick, Eric?"  
  
"I'm sick of you...keep away from me!" he exclaimed. And with that he ran upstairs and hid in a closet, making whimpering sounds.  
  
Annie, his bitchy wife, simply took it that he'd had a bad day, so she decided to pester one of her many, many children instead.  
  
Simon, whose hair always looked dopey, came through the kitchen door.  
  
"Hi mom! What's wrong?" he asked, as she had her "disturbed face" on.  
  
"Oh, nothing. Your father is crying upstairs...I think he's sick, but I just don't have time to deal with it."  
  
"I can do something...I'm the man of the house when dad's not around ya know"  
  
"Oh, that's cute, Simon...really really deluded, but cute."  
  
Simon huffed and ran upstairs. He was so sick of taking crap from everyone. It's a good thing for him he was just accepted into a gang. At least THEY took him seriously. So then he kept trying to talk to Eric, who was in the closet bawling, when the phone rang. It was Mary."  
  
"How is everybody doing?" she asked.  
  
Just then, Ruthie skipped past the door of Simon's room, her hands full of hair.  
  
"Just a minute..." Simon said, and walked outside the room to follow Ruthie.  
  
"Ruthie, what are you doing?"  
  
"I cut off Lucy's hair," she said without an ounce of guilt, and then smiling, skipped down the stairs, the hair falling everywhere in clumps and she flailed it around her head.  
  
Simon rushed to Lucy's room. There, lying on her bed, she was asleep. Simon shook her.  
  
"Nooooo," she said. "Leave me alone, I just want to sleep."  
  
"What's wrong with you?" he asked his sister, whose hair now looked very butch.  
  
"I don't feel good. I went to a party last night and got blasted."  
  
"YOU DID WHAT???"  
  
"Oh, don't be such a prude. I do it every now and then to let off steam. Go away..."  
  
"But your hair!"  
  
"What??" She felt her hair, and pulled her hand away, shaking. "What happened?!" she cried, freaking out.  
  
"It was Ruthie..."  
  
"That little...I'll kill her!" she said, rushing out of her room, stumbling every now and then as her legs gave out. "But first..." she stopped, turned around and barfed on Simon's shoes.   
  
"UUUUGHHH!" Simon said, backing away with disgust, trying to fling the barf away off his brand new tennis shoes.  
  
"Oh sorry," she said. "Didn't do that on purpose..."   
  
'The hell I didn't' she thought...   
  
The phone rang again. It was Mary. Simon sat on Lucy's bed all bummed out. The sound of Ruthie screaming and running away from Lucy filled the air.  
  
"So how is everything?" asked Mary. "Anything weird going on? Anything remotely disturbing??"  
  
"Wait...what do you??" Simon began. But no, Mary couldn't know anything about what was going on, could she?  
  
Just then Annie rushed upstairs to tell her kids that she had to leave because there was a crisis down at the church because the schools were apparently teaching evolution.  
  
So after she left, and Lucy had locked Ruthie up in a downstairs closet, Simon went to see if his father was any better. Surprisingly he wasn't in the closet! Where could he be??  
  
Just then, Simon heard Matt's voice yelling. Simon hurried downstairs. He saw his father in his underwear T-Ping their lawn. It was actually pretty funny to Simon but for some reason Matt was unamused, and eventually Simon joined him in the yelling. Soon all the Camden men were yelling at one another. Eric went upstairs and Simon stayed out in the front yard with Matt. Lucy took off on her bike.  
  
Later that evening, Annie came home. What a relaxing day she'd had. But wait...something wasn't right. The yard had been entirely trashed! Their furniture was smashed to pieces all over the lawn! Furniture stuffing everywhere! And look! Simon was hanging out with older boys who looked like gang members!  
  
Being the good annoying woman she was, she walked up to the hooligans. She began shouting at them. Simon was so high he just laughed. She slapped him but he still thought it was pretty funny. He told his friends he'd see them later. One of them thanked Simon for his dog.   
  
"What??" Annie screamed. "You can't have the dog!"   
  
"Mom, it's okay...it's my dog. I traded the dog for pot, that's all,"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" she screamed.  
  
She ushered Simon inside and just yelled and yelled to no avail. What was happening???  
  
Lucy came downstairs to see what was going on. She had multiple piercings on her ears, eyebrow and belly button. Her hair had been frizzed out and was now jutting everywhere in spikes.  
  
So then Annie yelled at her too. Lucy laughed.   
  
Simon went upstairs to count buttons or something and then Lucy heard noise. Oops! Forgot about Ruthie. Her mother heard the noise too, and found Ruthie tied up to a chair inside one of the closets.  
  
"MMM! Mmmmph MMM!" her daughter motioned. Removing the gag and rope, Ruthie was now free, and being free went to kick her sister as hard as she could.  
  
Struggling to keep her daughter's violent impulses in check, Annie held her, while Lucy made her escape. She wouldn't return until much later.  
  
After dealing with Ruthie and putting her to bed, Annie came downstairs. Matt was in the other room, she heard his voice before when she was on the stairs.  
  
Walking into the kitchen, to her horror, she found him making out with another guy. Screaming, she ran away from the scene like one of those cheap horror movie heroines.  
  
Matt zipped his pants back up. He'd been sitting down while his new friend and he explored one another.  
  
After that little debacle was over, Annie sat in the living room and cried as her son tried to explain to her that he'd kept his secret long enough, and he was sick of having to hide that side of himself.   
  
Eric walked in at that point. He'd smeared blue paint on his face like Mel Gibson in Braveheart.  
  
"FREEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!" he shouted and took the golf club he was carrying and smashed it against a nearby vase.   
  
Annie, little helper that she was, dialed 911. The friendly cops who were so instrumental in sharing information with her and her family that was confidential and illegal to share concerning her daughter, answered. Right away they came, just as Eric was making a giant sculpture in the kitchen with dirt like he'd scene in the movie Close Encounters of the Third Kind.  
  
After they hauled him away, a comet hit the cop car. Ironically, Eric came away with minor injuries, while both cops remained unconscious. The car had crashed into a tree so Eric made a run for it.  
  
The next day, Annie decided that she would make some cookies. Simon wanted to make pot brownies, and the smell had been disgusting, so she was making something else to get that smell out. She had company coming and she had everything to look perfect. True, her husband was now stark raving insane, her daughter had gone goth, her older son was a perverted bisexual fiend, and who knew what kind of psychopath Ruthie was, but tea was tea. And it was important to make good impressions.  
  
Simon and his gang buddies were off doing something and she didn't have to worry about the other kids as much, so she went ahead with her plans. But as she and the other church women were discussing ways to ban evolution from being taught in schools, as well as making the pledge of alleigance mandatory, Matt walked in.  
  
"I thought you were supposed to be in class," she said.  
  
"Oh yeah, well, I quit school. I joined a band!" he said, holding up his new shiny guitar.  
  
"Oh, and how are you going to pay for it all??"  
  
"Chuck is paying for it. He's wealthy, and uh...he's taking care of me. I figure all I have to do is put out, and...I'm pretty much set!" Trudging through the house, the shocked ladies were left behind to gossip annoyingly. Annie followed Matt very close behind, and with a menacing look in her eyes, threw things at him, various objects from couch cushions to the dog, which miraculously escaped being sold to the gang members.  
  
After chasing Matt out of the house, and trying to calm the church ladies down, Simon walked in, with a dazed look on his face. Then he went over to the counter, trying to open a cupboard drawer from the wrong end. Annie gently came up from behind him and showed him, as he was struggling with both hands to open it, to do it from the other end.   
  
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhh..." he said, getting out a box of snack crackers. "Thaaaanks, mom."  
  
"Just go in the living room!" she hissed.  
  
Simon wafted into the living room, where he tried to feed some crackers to a nearby statue of Jesus.  
  
Just as things were getting fairly calm again for our intrepid church group, Lucy walked in, decked out in a black leather outfit, with metal studs, with patches representing various metal rock groups. She chewed her gum loudly, and asked them "What? Whatsa mattah?"  
  
Her mother dragged her upstairs where she wrung her out briefly. Lucy told her she didn't need this, she could just shack up with Dave.  
  
"Dave?? Who's Dave???"   
  
"Oh, I just met him...but he's very nice," she assured her mother.  
  
Annie glowered at her daughter.  
  
"You are going to march right back into your room and keep preparing for college!"  
  
"Oh, yeah about that...I used my college catalogs to wipe up a stain..." she said, trying to excuse herself out of her duties.  
  
"Then do some laundry!" Annie snapped, and went back downstairs.  
  
Annie went downstairs. She saw her new friends off, as they drove away from the tiny little Cam-mansion. At this point, Eric, who was now doing jumping jacks in the front yard, waved hello. She watched him as he then proceeded to jazzercize. Without music.  
  
Finally, as if nothing else could go wrong, all of the Camden children just went to bed. But luckily, Eric was still awake, and waving a torch around in the air, set fire to their home.  
  
Luckily, they all survived. Lucy, yelling "Crap, my Korn CD's!" ran outside, along with her siblings and Annie, who was simply crying and screaming at Eric. Simon looked at the fire dully, trying to figure out what was going on.  
  
Lucy sat on the ground, and called Dave on her cel phone. After the firefighters had left, Mary popped up all of a sudden. She got out of her friend's car and hopped up joyfully to her family, now huddled around in a circle, looking at the charred remains of their house.  
  
"Hieeee!" she said. "How is everybody?"  
  
No one responded, they just looked dully at the ground, unresponsive.  
  
"Well I guess you're wondering what I'm doing here. See, I skipped the grandparents and got a posh job stripping. I mean, there's so little to do in Buffalo anyway," she continued. "It's like there's drinking and partying, so what're you going to do?" She smiled.  
  
"Anyway, I have this one friend, she's a witch. She said she could put a spell on all you guys to make you think you were going insane...and it worked!!!" She jumped up and down gleefully while her family looked dully at the ground.  
  
"So if you've noticed any weird behavior from dad..." she said, looking at the smoldering ruins of the house she had once lived in, "I guess now you have an explanation." Mary swung her arms back and forth, bored. "So...does anybody have any questions?? See, you were all so uptight and bitchy about me having just a little fun, so...I decided you should see what it's like. It's fun! But now the spell is wearing off..."  
  
Just then, a scream echoed throughout the night. Matt was in an...unfamiliar bed, but he remembered everything! Matt freaked out as his lover tried coaxing him back to bed, and Matt ran shirtless throughout the night, forever being stained as having gone "that way".  
  
Meanwhile, back at the ranch...  
  
Mary bid bon voyage to her family. Her father was now asleep on the ground. Mary pointed out her friend to him, who was the demon from his nightmarish vision. It turned out she was just a girl after all, and could work some witchcraft with illusions. She was also big into magic. So, with Simon now a gang member, the family would probably have to relocate...somewhere, and Lucy would have to figure out whether or not she liked her hair that way, all over the place, and Ruthie would have to carry around these memories forever.  
  
Mary jumped up and down all excited. Her lesbian witch lover and her drove out of there, laughing and hamming it up. Her family didn't want her and that was fine with her. Let's see if she wasn't just better off on her own! Later, she had a lucrative career in modeling. Her family ended up on various talk shows.  
  
The End:)   
  
  
  



End file.
